We dislike ourselves and others, and we don’t understand why. We love selfishly, and we dig ourselves into the deepest holes.
We don’t mean to…No, most of the time we do this unawares of our inner selves, our true purposes, or our own not-knowings. It’s okay, though. We can forgive ourselves our trespasses. We can let go of our own hang-ups and allow our hearts and minds to heal without the constant pressure of rights and wrongs.
Because those rights and wrongs may never have existed in the first place. Our mistakes may be just that, mistakes. And when it comes to love, trust me, they’re always there. It’s just an unavoidable part of life, just as everything else.
But why, you ask? Why must we endure such heartbreak? Why must we constantly be unseeing our true selves? What purpose is in that?
Perhaps a whole world of purpose. Perhaps, if we did not make those mistakes, we would’t have become the person we are. Perhaps, if we did not love until it bled us dry, then we would not know what it’s like to not do that. Perhaps the only reason why we had that person in our lives that made us want to tear our own skin off, was to show us how to heal our own hearts.
We want to erase our bad days. That’s why we turn to drugs, and t.v. We don’t want to face that we made these wrong choices because that would mean facing our own unknowing. We are terrified of not having a purpose, of being something we thought we weren’t, or just simply not “being.” It scares us to be so untethered from the reality that we’ve been pushed to accept, that we may actually have to take a look at that fact in the first place.
Facing that which scares us, owning up to our mistakes and our shortcomings, allows us a little peak into our own self-truths. It stops the constant rhetoric of BS that floats through our minds like some sort of perverted alphabet soup. It’s not that we are incapable of this from the beginning, it’s that we’ve been turned away from it—we are no longer being forced to ask tough questions about the depths of our very souls because it’s all Snapchat and Facebook. We only look at that which scares us when someone (or ones) blasts it on our Feed.
But when we begin to break it down for ourselves, when we begin to see that our lives, and especially our loves, are filled with ups and downs, backs and forths, and the deepest depths of heartbreak and failure, then we can begin to see everything. We can begin to see our entire lives as they actually are, and that’s when we can begin to heal. We wake up to what is truly ours, what is truly us, and we begin to see that our cracks in the armor are just cracks. Nothing more and nothing less.
That’s when the whole world begins to shift. That’s when our hearts stop beating up our heads, and our bodies begin to relax with the idea that this is the way things are. Everything, and everyone, seems to settle into something with a pattern, with a deep, abiding, beautiful pattern. One that connects so far below the surface, that it almost pulses with the life that it is.
It’s an amazing thing, this change. Again, it’s neither good, bad, wrong, or right. It just simply is.
And when you see this, when you begin to lay down the weapons you’ve been fighting with against your memories of past actions, then your heart will begin to beat with a rhythm that can be heard by other hearts that are doing the same. There are a whole lot of someone else’s out there who have begun to lay down their burdens and see their own lives for what they are. You will begin to be drawn to these people, one by one.
Which is what makes all of this worth it. Why, you asked? Because the love, the straight-to-your-bones kind of love, is waiting there for you when you’ve given up carrying around your sh*t. It has been there, knowing that you can do it, cheering you on from the sidelines, and it has always known it was the prize.
This love, this soul-wrenching love, is what exists when you take away the mask, give yourself up to the never-ending waves of life, and allow for the light of the world to filter in. It comes in the form of lovers, pets, places, or friends. It comes when you have your guard completely down, and when you have begun to wonder what it was you were doing in the first place. It is there, always and forever, and it will wait for you.
All you need to do is be you.