1. Any contact with our ex. Just because we’ll flip at the slightest mention of his ex doesn’t mean we’ve stopped being “just friends” with ours.
2. How much we tell our bestie. Spoiler alert: EVERYTHING.
3. Period panties. Buried underneath the piles and piles of thongs and sexy underwear we never wear are the ugly — but oh so practical — panties we wear during that special time of the month.
4. Farts. We will blame the dog even if the dog is nowhere in sight…or smell.
5. How we get in those jeans. Because all they really care about is how to get us out of them anyway.
6. PMS. He knows when it’s that time of the month but admitting it is like admitting we don’t wash our bra everyday… which we don’t.
7. Where hairs really grow. After 30 the possibilities are endless.
8. Shaving habits. Sometimes our legs look like crop signs. What can’t be seen shall not be shaved!
9. How much money we make. We don’t want to emasculate him by breaking through that glass ceiling, and also, more money for us to spend selfishly on ourselves.
10. Our “real” number. There’s the number of people we’ve admitted to sleeping with and then there’s the number of people we’ve actually slept with… and it’s a lot higher.
11. How often we check his Facebook. And Twitter. And Instagram. And anything else we can get our hands on without getting caught.
12. When other guys flirt with us. He doesn’t need to know — unless he’s pissing us off, and then yea, “he wants me.”
13. How we really feel about his mom. We are going to take him away from her and she’s just going to have to deal. Oh, and Christmas with our mom every year, duh.
14. Posing naked in the mirror. So when he asks us what our favorite position is we have already determined which one makes us look the skinniest, and it’s that.
15. Crying in the mirror. Making sure our real tears still look cute, and making sure our fake tears still look real.